Day 23 – Alone
I’m never really alone. Ever. Even in the loneliest of times I remember that I have God on my side and that’s an amazing truth to me. However, there have been times when I have felt terribly alone. When I lost my job in 2014. When my husband is in hospital. Those are the times I felt the most alone. But, here’s the rub, being around people does not cure the feeling of being alone. You can feel alone even in a room filled with people.
Aloneness is not dependent on how many people there are or are not in a room. It’s actually a state of being. If you have nothing in common with the people in the room, then you can feel just as alone. If you have no connection then you might as well be an island in the middle of a grand ocean. And I think that’s why that having the knowledge that I belong to a loving God works to chase away that sense of loneliness. God has promised to always be with me even through the deep valleys of my life. And that is a promise I cling to and give thanks for every day.
Day 24 – Summer
I am going to do a fictional vignette for this word. But, before I do, let’s just say that I wish it was summer right now. I am so over winter. Anyway, without further ado, here’s EP (Evil Pierre Bouvier… :P) with his thoughts…they may just be illuminating.
EP
We met in the warmer months leading up to the Australian summer. At a bar in Queensland. I’d left the rest of the guys back at the hotel and found myself in a bar near to the venue. She was sitting at the bar, very much alone. Later on, she told me that her friends had walked out on her for some reason I can’t remember (she would tell you that is was me who was the one alone…but this is how I remember it). That pissed me off, no end. Anything could’ve happened to her…
I guess I happened to her. But, that’s not a bad thing, though if you knew our past since that meeting…well, perhaps you’d beg to differ. But, anyway…
She was there. And something made me walk up and sit by her side. The way her eyes widened as I came into her line of sight…let’s just say my jeans felt a bit tight after that…
She was a fan of the band…was wearing one of our tour shirts. She also mentioned going to the gig. I’m not really sure if any of that registered, though as I was more interested in checking her out. I knew, even then, that I wanted her. You know exactly what I mean. I wanted to feel her skin against mine, to taste her…to touch her, to get inside her. And I’d just met the chick…
I still have no explanation as to why or how any of this was possible. Soul mate is not a term I ascribe to, though Pierre says that’s exactly what it was. Our souls (all our soul…Pierre….me…) were connected by slender threads of our auras in inexplicable ways.
Too esoteric perhaps?
Anyway, that night…I took charge. Invited her back to my room. She was reluctant…so I made her promise to keep in touch. We traded numbers and emails… Best decision I’d ever made…
Fast forward a year. Another gig. Different country. Different city. I got Pat to be the go-between and he executed my plan perfectly. VIP backstage pass, Pat brought her backstage to meet the band and then I asked her out to dinner. Those luminous eyes were once again wide open, taking me in, taking the dining experience in…taking everything in.
And I waited for the right moment…
Sometimes I wonder if I pushed too hard that first night. Sometimes, I even feel some guilt. But, from all indications, she was into it. And today she would tell me that I gave her exactly what she needed, even though she hadn’t realised she even needed it until that point. I guess it’s not easy to come to the conclusion that you’re of a particular personality type, especially when it comes to something as intimate as your sex life…and your whole being… But, she’s submissive in the bedroom, and that fuels the Dominant in me…
It’s taken many years for us to be truly comfortable in our roles, and fully trusting to each other. It’s why she spent so many years with Pierre, and the others, and not with me. I broke a lot of trust in the early years…was a horrible person…and I still can be…but, I check myself now. I don’t want to be that controlling SOB that I was when I was younger…
Being so in the confines of our home…when she needs to be in her sub space? That’s a different matter. I’ll be whatever she needs me to be. Friend, mate, lover, Dom…
It is something I struggle with, though…not abusing my position. It is not in my nature to go easy on her…it is not in my nature to concede my authority… But, I love her…and I don’t want to push her away like I did in that past…so, I’m learning compromise. Pierre says I’m getting better at it…but, he’s always there in the background.
Just in case.
Marly's World 