When I was born, I was given the name Chung Man Yee.
When I was adopted my name was changed. To Marly. I love this name, it is the name I grew up with. But the first three years of my life I was known by the Cantonese name, Man Yee. Now I reclaim my original name, not legally, but in my heart. I will always be Marly. But I am also, Man Yee.
I want to relearn my mother tongue. Cantonese (廣東話 gwong2 dung1 waa2) and am in the very early days of exploring the possibilities available for me to learn.
I tend to procrastinate on the things I want to do due to my energy levels. I could lay out all the reasons for not starting on this journey but at the root of it is a fear of not being able to succeed in this endeavour. Of not being able to speak the language and then not connecting with it. That’s part of it, but the truth is time is a big factor and also the many other activities I want to engage in.
I want to share my story through videos on TikTok, I want to write fanfiction, I want to listen to good music and I want to spend time with my friends. Or read a good book or play video games… I don’t have the discipline to sit and do something unless I have no choice. But because learning a new language is a choice… it’s hard to shift it to a need. Even though part of me feels that it is a need.
I do know it is something I will do. It’s just having the energy and time to do so. I have the tools at my disposal. So, that’s not the issue.
Is there a reason we fantasise more about birth fathers than birth mothers?
I think there is. Adoptees often have no information on their paternal history as often our mothers were not married or were even children themselves when they gave birth to us.
I know I sometimes had an idealised version of what my birth father might have been like.
But now as an adult I have even fictionalised my birth father in my roleplay with my online friend.
That’s a trauma response, right? 🙃
His name is Shen and he is a timekeeper because of course he is 😅.
He travels through time so he has no time to stay with my birth mother or have anything to do with me.
He knows about me though. Which is every adoptees wish, right? That our birth fathers know that we exist.
Also we kinda turned him into an asshole who doesn’t believe in messing with time… even though he tried to mess with our time.
Life is all about discovering who we are. That’s the crux of it.
It isn’t about success, it isn’t about competition. Sure those things come into play, but what life really is, is a journey to discovering where we belong, who we want to be and who we are becoming.
Everything else is just the set in which we play this out.
Lin-Manuel Miranda for TIME Top 100 Influential People
Originally written for a writing course
Here’s three songs that Lin wrote that resonate with me currently.
1. One More Song – Vivo: To be honest all the songs from Vivo hold a special place in my heart, especially the tracks that he sings on. First of all because it proves his own talent as a singer, but also because they hold such a note of hope in them. This song specifically is such a beautiful tribute to artists who have long gone and how we want to continue working with those long gone. Or to keep remembering their legacy. And I want to do that with Lin’s art.
2. Carnival Del Barrio – Film version: Daphne’s vocals in this version are so powerful and hearing Lin’s vocals threading through the whole song makes my heart sing. His verse as the Piraguero makes me smile so much and I love the harmonies and story telling in this song as the community is toughing out the heatwave without electricity. It is a song of solidarity and community.
3. We Know the Way – Moana: I just love the fact that I loved this song before I knew who Lin-Manuel really was. Also the added fun fact that Lin originally recorded this song as the demo to show the Disney execs and they told him they were going to keep his vocals on the song for the film. The joy he must’ve felt when hearing that.
It seems Disney has come a long way when it comes to crediting the voices on the songs on animated soundtracks.
Originally written for a writing course on IG, inspired by Lin-Manuel Miranda
Writing about my culture is a tricky activity to do. Because as an international transracial adoptee I’ve lost a lot of my original birth culture (Hong Kong Chinese). I am by no means bitter about this as I love the culture I’ve been raised in…but, this does raise a question.
What is Australian culture? I know outsiders might say something like riding kangaroos and wrestling crocodiles a la Steve Irwin. Others might say, friendly quokka selfies – Western Australian specific. Others might say the Ocker Aussie, with a broad accent like Crocodile Dundee. Some might say drinking a beer and watching cricket or Aussie Rules Football. Many would say we are more laidback than other cultures.
Also, importantly we cannot ignore the many Aboriginal peoples and their differing cultures as well. Acknowledging them is essential.
But for me? And my own family culture raised by white Australians? Well, I love cricket and Aussie rules football. I have a standard Aussie accent (so neither broad nor cultivated). I like Chinese food. We celebrated Lunar New Year when I was a child so that we could try and explore some of my birth culture. But, I don’t speak Mandarin or Cantonese (my native tongue), and I was raised Christian and that has definitely impacted my culture. Not in a negative or positive way. Just in ways that formed me as a person.
I am an Australian citizen. I am Chinese born, but have the world view of an Anglo-Celtic Christian raised in a country with more opportunities that I would’ve had in Hong Kong.
But, I know that this doesn’t mean my life now is better than what I might have had if my birth mother had kept me.
With Po Po prior to my relinquishment (Circa 1985)
So, I’m going to be vulnerable and share some thoughts on here that I’ve been sharing in the adoptee community on TikTok. Sharing and also learning about.
For anyone who isn’t aware, and I’m sure most of you are, I’m adopted.
– My adoption story is a good one, I would even hesitate to say I feel pretty blessed. And I am grateful for the life I have.
– I adore and love my parents, they know this, I know this and the people who matter know this.
– I have learned relatively recently that maternal separation of a baby from its mother is trauma, it alters the development of their brain and impacts their lives in ways that can be hidden but can manifest in a myriad of ways especially in our mental world. Therefore adoption is trauma. (It does make sense though since separation anxiety can affect children even when they are older ie the age range that I work with, 0-5 years of age). (Hofer, M. A. (2006). Psychobiological Roots of Early Attachment.Current Directions in Psychological Science, 15(2), 84–88. doi:10.1111/j.0963-7214.2006.00412.x)
– My parents, looking back on my upbringing, seemed very trauma informed and understood the need to try and keep me abreast of my culture and always be honest with me as far as they could about where I came from and why.
– I was adopted internationally at a time when they were closed adoptions here in Australia. Now, at least as far as Western Australian legislation goes (and I believe for the rest of the country), adoption is open for both domestic and international systems. It is illegal to have closed adoptions in Australia (cf US adoption industry which I’ll mention in a moment)
– adoption is now considered a last resort option for safe external care (besides foster care) in Australia. Kinship care, community kinship care and permanent legal guardianship are the preferred options and the rates of adoption have decreased in Australia from the early 70s to now. It has decreased 98% from approx 9500 to only 208 adoptions in 2021. And international adoptions dropped 76% – 66 – 16 (I’m not sure this is adoption rates or actual numbers of adoptions, but that’s a staggering decrease and pretty significant) (Source: https://www.aihw.gov.au/reports/adoptions/adoptions-australia-2021-22/contents/summary# Accessed 5 May, 2023)
– on adopteetok on TikTok the majority of the conversation is between adoptees and first mothers from the US, and the story is quite different and tragically so.
– in the US, the adoption industry is a US$24 billion for profit industry which basically amounts to child trafficking. There is high demand for new born infants to supply the adoption industry even though there are thousands of eligible older children to adopt in the foster care system (though the actual goal of foster care should always be reunification with their families which is another issue altogether).
– The US can not get the UN rights of a child ratified in their country because of their adoption system. In many states adoptees cannot access their original birth certificate (I have mine) (not the adoption birth certificate which has the adoptive parents’ name on them, but the actual original certificate). And cannot access medical history of their bio families.
– all of this discourse has made me realise that adoption isn’t the dream that the media portrays. I’m one of the lucky ones who has and is grateful for my adoption, my adoptive family, my parents. But so many adoptees haven’t had it as easy as I have. Some of the stories I’ve heard on tiktok are truly heartbreaking.
– I’m also realising that my relinquishment by my birth mother (and subsequent time in the orphanage) both made a mark on the person I have become. (That trauma I mentioned), and it explains a lot.
The way I react to situations, the way I’m hesitant to reach out for help, the way I fear rejection from others… and yes, I’m coming to the realisation that is exactly one of my fears – though I used to think it was just fear of what people would think of me, but it’s actually fear of rejection because of what they perceive… the way I will put on different masks in different situations…
I am in no way complaining about these things, just learning more about myself which I know will help me be able to overcome those things by the grace of God. Having them out in the open is a good thing.
I want to end this post with two main thoughts.
1. Adoption in view of building a family is not a good thing – yes, it built my family and I am grateful for that fact. But, first and foremost it should be a child welfare tool and really there are other options out there that are preferable to adoption.
2. I am wholly grateful to my family and for the life I lead now. I am thankful for my adoption and that is okay. I am also willing to listen and stand up for those who believe that adoption is not the good that it should be, and the adoption industry, especially in the US, needs to be completely overhauled (as well as all the other forms of child welfare resources). As well as having more resources for families in crises, which is the main reason children are relinquished in the first place.
Anyway, thanks for attending my TEDTalk on adoption.
2022: the year Simple Plan released the best album they’ve ever released (bar Still Not Getting Any… ‘cos reasons)! HARDER THAN IT LOOKS – released: 6 May 2022
It’s been six long years of waiting for the diehard Simple Plan fan and let me tell you, the wait was definitely worth it. Harder Than It Looks is an album that all long term fans will absolutely love. And I don’t think it’s hyperbole to state that as fact.
Author in natural habitat 26.12.2022
It’s also been probably six long months of waiting to have the mental capacity to sit down and type up this review. I was planning on posting this after I first listened to it, however, life happened. But, even after this amount of time my initial thoughts still stand.
6.05.2022 – Harder Than It Looks is a tribute to what the band has created in their twenty-plus years of being a band. I feel like the album is a mix of every album they’ve released with some songs reminiscent of Still Not Getting Any whilst others vibe off the self-titled and GYHO. There is even one track, Best Day of My Life, that feels like it hearkens back to Pierre and Chuck’s Reset days, pre-SP. And then a couple of songs that have a fresh sound that the band hasn’t done yet, but still with a hint of the past echoing through them. It’s definitely a roller coaster ride that I don’t want to get off.
The songs that I loved after my first listen all the way through: Anxiety, Iconic, Slow Motion (and of course, Congratulations and The Antidote are firm faves too).
The timing of Harder Than It Looks could not be more appropriate. It came out just when another wave of a certain little virus went through where I lived, and I was a little overwhelmed by the day-to-day life. And a certain track from this new offering spoke eloquently of where I, and many others, were positioned mentally and emotionally. Anxiety is that song. I will let the lyrics speak for themselves.
The pressure comes, I can feel it now I’m just another tragic case of The only one I was missing out Comparisons I can’t escape from
All these voices circling my head (Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh) I wish I was someone else instead ‘Cause it all just brings me down
Anxiety is killing me All of these expectations Are shaking up my sanity I’m getting so tired of faking now It’s all so much that I can’t breathe Thеre must be something wrong with mе Reality is killing me It’s giving me, anxiety
Get away, get away, get away, get away Get away from me Anxiety, anxiety
I try to run, gotta separate It’s everywhere, it’s all around me I try to sleep but I’m wide awake ‘Cause every dream is filled with envy
Let’s turn everything, everything off (Turn everything off) Don’t ever, don’t ever look back (Don’t ever look back) Let’s turn everything, everything off (Turn everything off) Don’t ever, don’t ever look back ‘Cause it all just brings me down
At the end of May I caught COVID-19 for the first time – yes, I’ve had it twice – and Simple Plan’s music was once again a great source of comfort, along with my faith in God, and my love for a certain composer… *cough*LinManuelMiranda*cough*. But, this post is about Simple Plan and their new album.
It’s been quite some time since I listened to the album for the first time, but here are my thoughts on the album as I listen to it for the umpteenth time, track-by-track.
Wake Me Up When This Nightmare’s Over – This track opens the whole album. The soft piano opening draws you in to listen and though it’s not a favourite of mine, it is a solid SP offering. The lyrics resonate as they can speak of specific circumstances, but at the same time are generic enough that each listener can relate it to their own circumstances – eg. “I can’t believe this mess we’re in / Tell me where do I begin? / ‘Cause it’s making my head spin / And I can just feel it.”
Ruin My Life (feat. Deryck Whibley) – Whenever the band feature other artists they always hit it right out of the park. I was never much of a fan of Sum41; however, his vocals fit well with this track. Ruin My Life is an anthem to all those bullies and naysayers who put one down in the past. An anthem to us rising above them and proving them wrong. (Sorry, I don’t mean to disappoint you, but you didn’t ruin my life.)
The Antidote– The first single the band released from the album, prior to the release. I fell in love with it from the first listen.
Anxiety – Pierre said this song was influenced by his own journey with debilitating anxiety and that is oddly comforting. Knowing that we are not alone in our struggles (lyrics are above)
Congratulations – This track is quintessentially SP. I really don’t have the words.
Slow Motion– “… one of those whiteboard ideas Chuck had… idea of love at first sight. … This is gonna sound silly, but when I hear this chorus, it just makes me want to cry. I was driving…and I was sitting in my car with tears coming down my face, and I’m like, ‘What is wrong with me? I’m listening to my own music and I’m crying in my car!’” – Pierre Bouvier
Two – From the general all encompassing song at the beginning to the extremely specific song about split homes this whole album is amazing. The band is not afraid to tackle difficult topics, but do it with their typical pop, rock and pop punk sensibilities with a few new flavours sprinkled throughout.
I love this album so much. I love this band so much.
Ten out of ten for always being my favourite band.
Marly's World 