When I was born, I was given the name Chung Man Yee.
When I was adopted my name was changed. To Marly. I love this name, it is the name I grew up with. But the first three years of my life I was known by the Cantonese name, Man Yee. Now I reclaim my original name, not legally, but in my heart. I will always be Marly. But I am also, Man Yee.
I want to relearn my mother tongue. Cantonese (廣東話 gwong2 dung1 waa2) and am in the very early days of exploring the possibilities available for me to learn.
I tend to procrastinate on the things I want to do due to my energy levels. I could lay out all the reasons for not starting on this journey but at the root of it is a fear of not being able to succeed in this endeavour. Of not being able to speak the language and then not connecting with it. That’s part of it, but the truth is time is a big factor and also the many other activities I want to engage in.
I want to share my story through videos on TikTok, I want to write fanfiction, I want to listen to good music and I want to spend time with my friends. Or read a good book or play video games… I don’t have the discipline to sit and do something unless I have no choice. But because learning a new language is a choice… it’s hard to shift it to a need. Even though part of me feels that it is a need.
I do know it is something I will do. It’s just having the energy and time to do so. I have the tools at my disposal. So, that’s not the issue.
Is there a reason we fantasise more about birth fathers than birth mothers?
I think there is. Adoptees often have no information on their paternal history as often our mothers were not married or were even children themselves when they gave birth to us.
I know I sometimes had an idealised version of what my birth father might have been like.
But now as an adult I have even fictionalised my birth father in my roleplay with my online friend.
That’s a trauma response, right? 🙃
His name is Shen and he is a timekeeper because of course he is 😅.
He travels through time so he has no time to stay with my birth mother or have anything to do with me.
He knows about me though. Which is every adoptees wish, right? That our birth fathers know that we exist.
Also we kinda turned him into an asshole who doesn’t believe in messing with time… even though he tried to mess with our time.
Originally written for a writing course on IG, inspired by Lin-Manuel Miranda
Writing about my culture is a tricky activity to do. Because as an international transracial adoptee I’ve lost a lot of my original birth culture (Hong Kong Chinese). I am by no means bitter about this as I love the culture I’ve been raised in…but, this does raise a question.
What is Australian culture? I know outsiders might say something like riding kangaroos and wrestling crocodiles a la Steve Irwin. Others might say, friendly quokka selfies – Western Australian specific. Others might say the Ocker Aussie, with a broad accent like Crocodile Dundee. Some might say drinking a beer and watching cricket or Aussie Rules Football. Many would say we are more laidback than other cultures.
Also, importantly we cannot ignore the many Aboriginal peoples and their differing cultures as well. Acknowledging them is essential.
But for me? And my own family culture raised by white Australians? Well, I love cricket and Aussie rules football. I have a standard Aussie accent (so neither broad nor cultivated). I like Chinese food. We celebrated Lunar New Year when I was a child so that we could try and explore some of my birth culture. But, I don’t speak Mandarin or Cantonese (my native tongue), and I was raised Christian and that has definitely impacted my culture. Not in a negative or positive way. Just in ways that formed me as a person.
I am an Australian citizen. I am Chinese born, but have the world view of an Anglo-Celtic Christian raised in a country with more opportunities that I would’ve had in Hong Kong.
But, I know that this doesn’t mean my life now is better than what I might have had if my birth mother had kept me.
With Po Po prior to my relinquishment (Circa 1985)
So, I’m going to be vulnerable and share some thoughts on here that I’ve been sharing in the adoptee community on TikTok. Sharing and also learning about.
For anyone who isn’t aware, and I’m sure most of you are, I’m adopted.
– My adoption story is a good one, I would even hesitate to say I feel pretty blessed. And I am grateful for the life I have.
– I adore and love my parents, they know this, I know this and the people who matter know this.
– I have learned relatively recently that maternal separation of a baby from its mother is trauma, it alters the development of their brain and impacts their lives in ways that can be hidden but can manifest in a myriad of ways especially in our mental world. Therefore adoption is trauma. (It does make sense though since separation anxiety can affect children even when they are older ie the age range that I work with, 0-5 years of age). (Hofer, M. A. (2006). Psychobiological Roots of Early Attachment.Current Directions in Psychological Science, 15(2), 84–88. doi:10.1111/j.0963-7214.2006.00412.x)
– My parents, looking back on my upbringing, seemed very trauma informed and understood the need to try and keep me abreast of my culture and always be honest with me as far as they could about where I came from and why.
– I was adopted internationally at a time when they were closed adoptions here in Australia. Now, at least as far as Western Australian legislation goes (and I believe for the rest of the country), adoption is open for both domestic and international systems. It is illegal to have closed adoptions in Australia (cf US adoption industry which I’ll mention in a moment)
– adoption is now considered a last resort option for safe external care (besides foster care) in Australia. Kinship care, community kinship care and permanent legal guardianship are the preferred options and the rates of adoption have decreased in Australia from the early 70s to now. It has decreased 98% from approx 9500 to only 208 adoptions in 2021. And international adoptions dropped 76% – 66 – 16 (I’m not sure this is adoption rates or actual numbers of adoptions, but that’s a staggering decrease and pretty significant) (Source: https://www.aihw.gov.au/reports/adoptions/adoptions-australia-2021-22/contents/summary# Accessed 5 May, 2023)
– on adopteetok on TikTok the majority of the conversation is between adoptees and first mothers from the US, and the story is quite different and tragically so.
– in the US, the adoption industry is a US$24 billion for profit industry which basically amounts to child trafficking. There is high demand for new born infants to supply the adoption industry even though there are thousands of eligible older children to adopt in the foster care system (though the actual goal of foster care should always be reunification with their families which is another issue altogether).
– The US can not get the UN rights of a child ratified in their country because of their adoption system. In many states adoptees cannot access their original birth certificate (I have mine) (not the adoption birth certificate which has the adoptive parents’ name on them, but the actual original certificate). And cannot access medical history of their bio families.
– all of this discourse has made me realise that adoption isn’t the dream that the media portrays. I’m one of the lucky ones who has and is grateful for my adoption, my adoptive family, my parents. But so many adoptees haven’t had it as easy as I have. Some of the stories I’ve heard on tiktok are truly heartbreaking.
– I’m also realising that my relinquishment by my birth mother (and subsequent time in the orphanage) both made a mark on the person I have become. (That trauma I mentioned), and it explains a lot.
The way I react to situations, the way I’m hesitant to reach out for help, the way I fear rejection from others… and yes, I’m coming to the realisation that is exactly one of my fears – though I used to think it was just fear of what people would think of me, but it’s actually fear of rejection because of what they perceive… the way I will put on different masks in different situations…
I am in no way complaining about these things, just learning more about myself which I know will help me be able to overcome those things by the grace of God. Having them out in the open is a good thing.
I want to end this post with two main thoughts.
1. Adoption in view of building a family is not a good thing – yes, it built my family and I am grateful for that fact. But, first and foremost it should be a child welfare tool and really there are other options out there that are preferable to adoption.
2. I am wholly grateful to my family and for the life I lead now. I am thankful for my adoption and that is okay. I am also willing to listen and stand up for those who believe that adoption is not the good that it should be, and the adoption industry, especially in the US, needs to be completely overhauled (as well as all the other forms of child welfare resources). As well as having more resources for families in crises, which is the main reason children are relinquished in the first place.
Anyway, thanks for attending my TEDTalk on adoption.
Or: My journey as a Chinese born Australian who doesn’t see herself as Asian but, after seeing Shang Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings, I realise a part of me deep down still has some strong connection to my Chinese roots.
Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings (Gif created by me. Credit: Marvel Studios)
That is one heck of a subtitle, hey? But, this is how I felt after watching this new entry into Phase Four of the Marvel Cinematic Universe.
This is not going to be a typical review, and there will also be no major spoilers (probably), but fair warning I will be gushing a lot as my love for this film surpasses any other MCU film. Also, this post will most likely be all over the place. So please bear with me.
Marly's World 